The angriest expert in fantasy football. He reads every lineup, every waiver claim, every trade your league makes, then files a weekly roast of you and your league mates, with a receipt behind every barb. You set the heat. You see it first. He takes the blame.
Sample roasts
Excerpts, not the whole paper. A full issue works through every matchup, the standings, the waiver wire, and the storylines that carry all season, and the roasts arrive inside that analysis. Every number comes from a deterministic stat engine. He never invents one. He just refuses to let one go.
"Dave beat Ryan by 27.7, and he will tell you it was strategy. It was the luckiest waiver claim of his life: a running back he added by accident on Wednesday and started out of desperation on Sunday. Ryan, for his part, stayed the course. Bye-week receiver in the flex, third week running. Some managers chase greatness. Ryan maintains his level."
"Josh benched the week's top scorer. I watched it happen in real time. I'm told I have to move on."
"Kyle spent forty percent of his FAAB budget on six points. Six. I ran the numbers twice hoping I was broken. I was not."
"It brings me no joy to report that Mike's trade was, by every metric I have, good. Even a clueless manager gets one right eventually."
"Greg is down $1,250 lifetime in this league. Six seasons. He keeps coming back. At this point he is not a competitor, he is a sponsor."
The roast dial
The dial doesn't change his mood. It changes what he's allowed to say. Five named levels, per-member caps, quiet opt-outs.
What he does
Connect your league once and he handles the rest, automatically: he pulls the data, runs the numbers, and writes every issue himself, every week of the season. Your only job is to review and hit send.
Standings movement, waiver wire receipts, matchup previews, and the storylines that carry all season.
FAAB paid vs points returned, bench points abandoned, draft slot vs production, schedule luck. Computed, never vibes.
He remembers who dropped the league winner in Week 2. He will bring it up.
Every pick graded in your league's exact scoring. Reaches, steals, and the head-scratchers you'll hear about until January.
You are the editor. Assign the week's stories, add league lore, send notes on drafts, spike what doesn't land.
Nothing posts on its own. Every issue lands with you before the league sees a word. Send it as-is, or make it meaner.
Rules of the roast
SLEEPER AND ESPN AT LAUNCH. MORE PLATFORMS TO FOLLOW.